Music is my sweetest drug

2009-04-03T23:20:00.003+08:00

SURPRISE !!! =D
since i have nth to do , it's tym fer mi to destroy someone blog ...
=P bleahs...
i m passerby over here jux to update abt adrian's lastest hairstyle and news ...
heehee ...

TIS IS HIS LASTES HAIRSTYLE ...

*tis is the lastest pic of mr loke*

LASTEST NEWS IS .....

i also dunno leh ...=x

haha .. he shld be eatinq rite nw ...lolx ^^

*end off here*

2009-01-28T22:37:00.002+08:00

Tonight i've fallen and i cant get up
I need your loving hands to pick me up
And everynight i miss you i can just look up
And know the stars are holding you, holding you
Holding you tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's been a long time since i've last posted. so here goes..

hmmm.. many ppl have been asking me about my O level results. in case you're wondering, i did not MIA from my blog because of that. just didnt find the right mind to update.

anyways, i did get alright results. 16 points for this year's papers. surprisingly, my cert was combined with my previous try at O levels. so i got 15 points. they even included my cca points so that was great.

as for my choices into poly, well, let me just start by saying that ppl tend to ask about it the wrong way. they ask, so where you going after O levels? which poly you going. i'll be like, i dont know. see which poly wanna take me in la. lol. but i do get what you're trying to say..

well, it'd be dumb of me if i actually stated out all 12 choices. so i'll just state the first 2 since the rest after that were crap. my first choice would be SP's digital music and audio tech and my second choice was RP's sonic arts. reason is obvious. they're both music courses. the sad part is that SP didnt call me up for interview. i sent entries for both JAE and JPSAE. so was hoping for an interview at SP. anyways, i got a call from RP and i went for an interview. ppl say that chances are very high that i'll be going to RP. great huh? that bad part is that it's in woodlands while i live in the east. long trip there. haha

well, enough of all that education stuff.

so chinese new year was alright.. ang baos expected. less than $200. didnt gamble much. which is a good thing. didnt drink much either. also a good thing. heh. all in all, nothing special. >.<

feeling rather moody today. kinda emo-ish. lonely to a certain extent. dont know why either. maybe i just lack attention again. sometimes it feels like i need a girl beside me. like it's a need when actually it's a want. weird huh. maybe i just miss the times when i enjoyed being in a relationship. oh well.. life's full of ups and downs. no new girl for me for now.. dont know when the next is coming, but who cares right? not like i've never spent my birthday alone before. LOL.

"if life is just a joke, then why aren't we laughing?!" - my chemical romance

anyways, im sorta just updating for the sake of updating. seeing that i havent actually updated for so long.. that's all for now.
cheers! and happy chinese niu year to all you cow lovers! and non cow lovers as well. ;)

2009-01-07T10:27:00.002+08:00

okay! time to perform CPR to a dying blog. haha!

hmmm.. went job hunting yesterday with yoghurt. quite a failure. kelly services no job for me!! T.T ...
anyways, yoghurt start work already, so im free today. haha! going back shss later with jc. she wants to ask teachers some stuff. i think i'll go back and discuss about the band.

i know a lot of my friends are wondering.. who's yoghurt? is she your new gf? or new target? who is she to you?!?!?!?!?!?! .... the answer is, she's my friend. haha. just a friend now. nothing more than that now. so ppl, please please please dont assume she's my gf.
even though i know it's not surprising that ppl would think that way.

anyways, moving on.. you know.. i just finished my O levels last year(again). so it's quite gan jiong for me when the results are almost out. about a week back, i dreamt that i scored 20 points for my R4! omg! totally below expectations. im aiming for 15 and below. if they moderate it well, i hope i can get like, 10? haha. but i highly doubt it. gotta go thru JAE for my course liao lor... sianzZz...
and can you believe it? i still dont know when the dates are released! but then again, all my classmates know nuts as well. lol. but they say it's soon. very very soon. i cant wait, yet i dont wanna see. previously i said im not scared. but after that nightmare, im friggin scared can?! omg omg omg omg omg omg. feel the stresssss.... if i really get 20 points, then GG! wasted another year. sigh.. k la, shall stop ranting about this now. lol

hmm... what shall i rant about next? hahahaha! oh!!! i miss meow meow!!
see, i havent been online much lately. so havent been able to catch meow meow. so cannot talk to her.. so sad la...
she's so busy with work as well, so it makes things harder. and her sch is starting soon. :(
meow meow!!! i miss you k! dont need to worry about me if you are. im fine. got yoghurt look after me. wahahahahaha! =x more like i look after yoghurt lor. lol.
meow meow, hope you're fine..

hmmm.. got nothing much to crap about here.. so i shall leave it till next time! ciaos!
cheers ppl! ^^

2009-01-04T12:40:00.003+08:00

"aye! time to go!" -dwarven sniper

haha. anyways, i spent the night at jeremy's place cause of a certain somebody lor.. XD yogurt la! stay so far. hahahaha. anyways, went window shopping with yogurt on friday. wonder if my dad will gimme money for new year shopping. if he doesnt, i can understand why.. i seriously seriously need a job mannnn...

i've finally became jeremy's student. haha. need to do homework soon.
it's gonna be a new step into music for me. another type of music to experiment and recreate. wonder how well i can perform with this program though.

i think im gonna exercise today. told myself last year that im gonna start exercising once a week this year. but im like, so damn lazy laaaa.. imma lazy ass. a lazy donkey. lol. need ppl to pei me then i will exercise one. any guys wanna push me to go jogging? =x aiya, see ken, ming and james all also lazy one. hahahaa.

singaporeans are lazy ppl. haha. if you notice, a lot of us always complain we're lazy. bo chup! hmmm.. then again, not only singaporeans. meow meow also can be lazy at times hoorrrrrr.... hahaha. guess ppl are born lazy. oh well..

anyways! im really just typing nonsense cause i dont know what to say now.. oh! missed out something.. yeah.. finally something with liao to type. here goes!

yesterday was at service. pastor kong was talking about water baptism. k he was going thru the list of activities that the church will be going thru this year. when he talked about water baptism, he said something that caught my 100% attention and made me think. water baptism can help to break habits that we have been struggling with for too long. okay, the too long was added in by myself. but yeah.. breaking habits. maybe this is what im missing out. that's why i got so many things that i really really really wanna do, but somehow cannot stop myself not doing. erm.. sounded a bit weird. anyways, you get the idea. lol.
hopefully my dad will allow.

here's a side track to that.. i cant believe in turning 19 in slightly over a month's time! omg!!! next year i wont be a teen anymore! T.T there goes my lightyears. lol. unless we can take 20 and above as lightyears as well la. but still, i feel so old la.. guess we can never stop growing older until we die huh.

oh well, that's all for today i guess. i think yogurt coming over to exercise with me later. XD yay got ppl pei me. haha. k la, "aye! time to go!" - dwarven sniper again.
take care ppl! have a good week ahead! cheers! ^^

2009-01-02T09:45:00.002+08:00

the video is out! check it!

Explicit, Lewd and Morbid Resolutions for 2009!

2009-01-02T06:10:00.002+08:00

yosh! im back from prata. took a new year's resolution video with the guys. catch it when it's up! ^^

i just realised one thing, i have like, the same ppl wishing me happy new year over and over again. it's like, everytime we meet or there's a chance, they would wish happy new year. haha. interesting eh..

anyways, here's where the real recount begins..

taking us back to 31 dec 2008, had appreciation cg at parc oasis at chinese garden.
it's far from here, but it was fine. i had a great company over the phone with yogurt. hehe.
i got my first personal xmas present that night from bee! thanks bee! i really really like it! ^^
it's a scarf btw. anyways, we had fun. games, worship, sharing, food, fellowship and all.
was teaching jordan how to play more than words on the guitar. haha. hopefully he will get it.

to jordan: jia you! you'll be a great guitarist one day! persevere in it!

so i left the party at around 9 plus. went to look for ray, tessa, janet, john and ray's friends to drink and celebrate the new year. went to boat quay to drink. first time i had martel. it was nice. i didnt get drunk that night. so it's a good thing. haha. took pics, played games, talk cock, had fun! good night. haha.
so yogurt came to look for me at boat quay. she's such a baby. haha. got scared waiting for me alone at clarke quay. oh well.. haha. babies will be babies. XD
(she's so gonna kill me. haha.)

at around 4 plus close to 5, they all went home except me and yogurt. wanted to take first train back. we like, walked around looking for mac. from one mac to another just cause i was hungry. ahhaha! boat quay mac was packed, so was clarke quay's. so we walked all the way to somewhere near chjmes. that mac brought back memories of pontanging periods in chec. hahaha! i think it's newly renovated. really must thank yogurt though. cause while walking from clarke quay to city hall, my stomach started to ache. when we were around city hall, it got really really bad. then she said can go hotel toilet. cause the lobby toilets are always open. haha. then she took me to the raffles city de hotel. lol. thanks yogurt!! you're the best la.. i know that's what you're waiting for.... hahahaha!

after mac, i sent her home and went home to sleep. i slept for 14 friggin hours! woohoo! hahaha. my first good sleep for '09! yay!! haha. yogurt kept complaining that i was a pig. XD but then again, pigs are cute lorrrrrrrrrrrrrr. hahahaa.

that's about all for the recount of how i celebrated my new year's eve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so it's 2009. here's wishing everybody a happy happy new year!
im believing for a great year ahead. dont know what's gonna happen, but it feels like it's gonna be a good year. keep your fingers crossed! :)

cheers to a wonderful year ahead!

2009-01-02T03:07:00.002+08:00

it's already the 2nd day of the new year! im late! omgomgomg.

anyways, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL DEAD OR ALIVE! =x

shall post more when i get back. gonna meet the guys for tea.

2008-12-30T19:06:00.002+08:00

Trapped in my own prison
Imprisoned in my heart
I'm losing control
Loving seems so hard

Can't feel a thing anymore
Like there's a barrier in between
My heart's turned cold
It remains unseen

Guess I'm just afraid
To be shattered all over again
Or maybe I'm just sick of it
All those shit and pains

Whatever the cause
It doesn't matter
Cause someday I believe
It'll all get better

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2008-12-30T05:43:00.002+08:00

another one of those nights where God seems to be calling out to me. sometimes i feel like it's my time to go back for good, but the next day, the feeling's gone. guess you cant live just by feelings huh. honestly, i wanna go back to my good old times where it was just God and me. but i guess times have changed. i'll give it another shot though..

i wanna go back to st hilda's to play for chapel again. wonder if my old band would care to join me. hope they've got time to also. wonder if the drop in would welcome us back as well, since it's under a different management. maybe isaac can pull strings for us. well, that's if the rest of them are interested to come back la..

hmmm.. somehow music and God always gets tied together when i look at it. honestly, whether i go to church or not, i feel like both are always there within me. just that i tend to turn my face away from them at times. but then again, they're what drives me. music inspires me and God comforts me. at times, God inspires me and music comforts me. and when i think about it all together, God manipulates the music around me to inspire and comfort me. how great is that? haha. i love music and i wanna love God more. now all i need are the steps to take. yes yes i know, go to church, read the bible, pray. those seem to be the hardest things to do man! >.< but yeah, i will try. it's gotta work! if not im as good as dead already.

you see, they are the greatest things that i've got. if not for them, i think im totally crap. crap by the roadside! sure, i've got great friends. a family, a gaming life. but somehow, deep in my heart, the best things that i've got is my passion for music, and the Holy Spirit. i dont know how many of you feel the same way, but that's exactly how i feel.

whatever it is, i believe all you Christians out there love God, and He's the best you'll ever get. besides that, my passion for music may be your love for something else. maybe you love photography, or paintings. or even cooking or dancing. whatever it is, these are the things(besides God) that will drive you to whatever you wanna be in the future. keep working on them and keep the faith! it'll take you far!

that's all for tonight. cheers!

2008-12-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

this is a short post. im such a slacker. lazy to update blog. haha!

SLACKERRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ~~~ XD

2008-12-27T11:24:00.002+08:00

okay! so my new blogskin is sorta done. if i have any inspiration to add or try stuff in it, i'll just do it. haha. any comments on this?

found this template on blogskin.com and editted quite some stuff. not my template, wont claim credit for that. :D but im still so proud of myself for editting the words and stuff. did lotsa trial and error. took me 5 hours k! this is my first time im editting so much in a blog template. most of the time i just edit the link, the cbox, the profile and the music. haha. so you can call me a html idiot if you like.

but like what i told someone just now, a blog is about it's content, not so much about it's skin. im just doing this for fun. i mean, try something new ma.. haha. i enjoyed it. might even consider trying to do up my own skin next time. haha. but then again, im lazy. >.< so we'll see. hah!

2008-12-25T07:30:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas to one and all!

hey guys! it's christmas! Jesus' birthday! got wish Him? :D had a great x'mas eve celebration last night. met jer and went to service with him. caught up a bit. :) service was good. candle light services are always good. XD dont ask why, i just enjoy the atmosphere. finally gave out the x'mas cards i wrote. haha. a few more to go! yay. accomplishment. first time im giving out x'mas cards k.

well, after that i went home to my family gathering. honestly, i enjoyed the food most. my family just likes to sit around the dinner table and talk talk talk, so yeah.. i didnt really mingle, but i guess im used to it. im currently pigging on last night's turkey and ham. haha! i call it breakfast! XD

went out after awhile. met ken and jy at ehub. that was where the fun began. when i arrived, i called ken asking where he is. he said he was walking back from summer breeze after drinking with his dad. haha! his dad made him tah 3 cups of tiger. then he meet me seh seh one. totally high sia. haha. booked movie tickets for 2.10 am show. so we had to burn a few hours. ended up at the arcade playing daytona! haha. first round ken won. 2nd round i was losing terribly, so i went reverse to bang and sabo them. hahaha. damn funny! i love that trick man~~ XP
haha. pooled after that. i won ken in all the games! woohoo! but he was off form la. drank too much. lol. went down to bowl 2 games. i think i performed pretty well as compared to the last time i bowled. it was gooooood~~~ then went to catch our movie. after that movie, we went back to bowl another 2 games. haha.

watched Ip man. it was the best show i've ever watched. in my opinion, i enjoyed it a lot. call me sua ku if you like, but i seriously think it's the best show i've ever watched. you know there are movies that make you think like, "oh, just a show.. nothing other than a show.." but Ip man didnt make me think that. it was superb. it also held values in it. talks about national pride, family, friendship, brotherhood. yeah... beautiful eh? haha. i'd rate it 4/5 stars or popcorns. or even monkeys if you like them. hah!

all in all, i had quite a fruitful christmas eve. by far one of the best. :D and it's only gonna get better..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's Christmas! so here's something from me to you other than a boring lengthy account of what happened last night.

Christmas in my opinion is not about the presents, or the cards, or christmas trees, or even santa claus. it's about love. the well-wishes you give and recieve from your loved ones are definately an act of love. whatever the depth of love may be for a person, the fact that you wish them well, and spend time with them shows that you do love them.

families and friends alike, we love them and i believe we cherish them. so what better way to appreciate them than to thank them on christmas. :D i know i thanked many ppl in my christmas cards. i even wrote a poem to my mother in her card! just a short one. cant remember how it goes anymore though. haha. but it doesnt matter, as long as it reaches my mum, it doesnt matter. :)

love your parents especially. if not for them, there seriously wont be you. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so from my to you, once again, here's wishing you a VERY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Cheers!~

2008-12-23T03:55:00.003+08:00

somehow, i cant get to sleep. lots of things running through my mind. need to slowly pour it out.

recently went back to church (again). somehow i felt so at home.. honestly, the times i spent out of church makes me miss church dearly.. like, a home that i left. just like the prodigal son. you can say i took things for granted, or maybe i just didnt connect well enough. all i know is, it's not easy for me to say that i'll stay for sure this time. in fact, im bound to leave again. maybe it's the conviction that i lack. or the willingness to try again. one thing's for sure, no matter where i am, what im doing, whether im active in church or not, i always feel God inside of me, reminding me every once in awhile not to do stuff that i shouldnt do.
ever heard that little voice in your head telling you what's good for you and what's not? happens all the time. believe it or not, it's worth listening to.

i remember message that is commonly preached. saying that Jesus came to earth as a man. He suffered what man would suffer as well, and thus, He knows the pains that we go through.. when i heard that message, the first thing that struck me was, has Jesus ever felt guilty? i think that's one of my biggest pains that stops me from truly connecting back to God. wish i knew what to do with it. it really sucks you know.
nevertheless, i'll try..

seems like religion is starting to become a "trend" in my circle of friends. they've been going to pray at a temple in serangoon a lot. becoming devoted Buddhists. i've heard stories from their master at the temple as well. seems amazing, like, miracles that happen. he did some fortune telling as well, and it seems rather accurate.
not saying i believe in what they believe in, but this really makes me wonder.. why do each religion have their own miracles? the spiritual world seems so mysterious.. so many things that i dont understand at all. God is so great, miracles happen in His prescence.. this i believe and have experienced, but what about those other miraculous occurances that does not happen in His prescence? it's hard to express this in words, really. wish i could better describe what im trying to say, but i believe i've managed to express out what i really wanna say in the simplest and most shallow form.

i prayed a bit today.. was asking God, how i can honour His name on His birthday. despite me being so unstable and all in my spiritual life, i really do wanna honour His name on Christmas.. i felt Him tell me to put aside everything in my mind and heart on that day and just go to Him. every single guilt feeling or pain, all my past, just put it aside just for that day, so i can celebrate Christmas properly.. i guess that's something i really should do.. guess im too in to life now.

i seriously cannot wait to say these words on Christmas," happy birthday my Lord."
in about 2 days time, i can say it. really miss pouring it out to God. miss the times i spent in His prescence. a new chapter is beginning for me i guess. i dont think i'll remain a good boy though. i doubt the profanity is gonna stop so soon. neither would the cigarettes nor the lustful thought. but i know that i have to try. it's just too much to lose. i wanna go back to His glory once again...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

-Undo
-Rush of Fools

2008-12-22T02:13:00.002+08:00

oh wow. su ching's desperately trying to find my blog. haha. decided not to bully her and gave her the url. like finally?

yes, finally im posting something here after ages. oh well, im not exactly into blogging. just posting this up for the sake of it.

hmmm.. what can i say? nothing much, really...
life's been a bore..

been sick for weeks, but im finally recovering. that's a good thing. the sad part is, when im sick, i got money, when im finally recovering, i find myself pretty much broke. irony!
spent my money in xmas cards. just a few to send out i guess. but it still costs money you know. the ppl who'll recieve cards from me will appreciate it. i know they will. :)

on a lighter note, Christmas is coming!
yay! i like Christmas. one of my favorite days of the year. 1 out of 4 of my favorite days in a year.
wondering what the other 3 are? well, when the time comes, ask me. hahaha. like you'll know when it comes. XD
anyways, xmas hasnt been really special for me over the years, this year might not be anything big either.. but oh well, guess i gotta get used to being single over xmas.
a pretty girl! what a wish for Christmas.
"santa can you give me a pretty girl for xmas this year? i've been good all year you know."
next thing you know, a hot babe knocks at your door on xmas morning. i think santa's turning into a pimp. lol

well, it's a windy night, something to expect out of the monsoon season. singapore's weather is really so limited. it's either friggin hot or raining. sometimes it's windy. but then again, it's a good sign i guess. cant imagine a hail storm in singapore. would be hell. LKY would freak out mannn. >.< hope this doesnt reach him, or i might get sued. =x

anyways, there's really nothing much for me to say here. so.. until next time! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! ^^

cheers!

2008-09-12T05:39:00.004+08:00

WOW! THIS BLOG STILL STANDS! loooooool. it's been ages since i've touched blogging. haha. anyways, kinda bored so i'll just like, post an entry now. haha. i'll try to blog once in awhile.. no promises though. lol

where should i start.. hmm.. alright! i'll start with, "im back!!!" :D yeah corny. haha. hmm.. ever wondered how life seems so unpredictable? one moment you're on top of the world, the next you're a piece of trash by the road side that even the road sweepers miss. ppl say life's a rollar coaster. i think not exactly.. i think life is more like a stunt aeroplane. more G's than a friggin rollar coaster. lol. all my life, i've felt like dying many times, but after sometime, and going through some tough times, i've brought myself to this conclusion, your life, no matter how insignificant, is still made for something. no one's an accident. and we've got only one life to live, so no point wasting it on thoughts of death and giving up on life itself.

met some ppl in my life that always appear to be miserable, who always feel like they're dying. well i did tell them this, even if you think your parents appear to hate you, they, by nature, do love you. if they didnt they wouldnt even bother to raise you up. *do you know how much it costs to have a baby?? lol.* To lose someone you've raised is one of the most heart wrenching thing that life can bring. something i've learnt the hard way.

reminiscing about something that happened about a week or 2 back. about a month plus back, i adopted a kitten. was about 2-3 weeks old when i took him in. me and my girl gave him a name. we named him Baby. being so young, he needed his mother, but the ppl who took him back, who then gave him to me, didnt know what they were doing. so much for responsibility. anyways, my stepmum thought he wouldnt survive at that crucial point in time. i proved her wrong. he pulled through a month with me. when life got more complicated with things at home, i was seldom home. i delegated the job of feeding him to my maid and my younger brother. i thought he was fine. whenever i came home, he was always sweetly asleep. if he wasnt, i would feed him. a cute little feline like that was quite a sight in a home of dogs. i fell in and out of love with this little creature constantly. seeing him stand up on his 4 paws made me feel so proud of myself, and him. as time went by, i realised he got thinner and thinner. so i thought my maid didnt feed him enough. so i asked her to feed him once every 2 hours. i thought that would solve the problem as i wasnt able to be at home all day. i guess she didnt do it.. after surviving for a month at my place, he passed away.. when i woke up that afternoon, my grandma told me that he'd died. i was in shock. devastated, all i really wanted to do was get out of the house and not come back. i hated my maid, i hated myself. i know deep inside that it was all my fault for not being responsible over his life. i regret. but that doesnt bring him back. yes, i miss him, i love him, but i must move on. the only things he's left in my life are memories, and experience. probably fear, but that'll be overcome sooner or later. anyways, the attachment i felt for him was quite great. i felt so heart broken after losing the baby that i put in effort to raise. he would have been a strong cat if not for my irresponsibility. sigh..

with that story, i urge all those souls that are losing hope in life, please! dont give up on your life. if you do, the ppl who raised you, be it your parents, your aunties or uncles, your guardians, your grandparents, your nannies or whoever, blood related of not, they will be heart broken. spare a thought for them as well. having gone through that pain, i know how it feels, and you do not wanna experience it. so im leaving you with this thoughts, dont give up on life, or life will give up on you.

"as for my dearest baby, i do hope i'll see you when im up there. i miss you dearly, and im sorry for the torment i put you through."

here's a song i wrote for him. do hope you'll comment if you think it's worth commenting.

im sorry baby.mp3 - Adrian

Im Sorry Baby
Close your eyes and go to sleep
And i pray you'll dream about me
Despite the things that i have put you through

Hope you're doing fine without me
Have you had enough to eat, my baby
And i hope you will forgive me

My baby i love you
My baby i miss you
I'm sorry for the times i wasn't there
For the times i didn't care, at all

I know sometimes it's hard to breathe
The times you cried and screamed to me
You know i missin' all the times we shared

My baby i love you
My baby i miss you
I'm sorry for the times i wasn't there
For the times i didn't care
My baby i love you
My baby i miss you
I'm sorry for the times i wasn't there
For the times i didnt care
At all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
im sorry baby...

2008-05-16T23:16:00.004+08:00

alright, been ages since i touched this blog.. but today i just gotta do it.
not feeling my best, in fact, one of my worst this year.. like, emo shit man
today i woke up late, missed quite a bit in sch, but that's not the point.

ever felt like your whole life seems screwed up? like you're just not the person you're meant to be, or you feel you should be? that everything around you seems like shit? well i have, and im feeling it. how bad could it be you might ask? well, it aint that bad, just that im emo shit.

i cant stand how i seem to be neither here nor there.. that my whole character isnt good. hmm, i guess some ppl call it low self-esteem.. i call it... emo shit. sigh.. what's wrong with me? hmm.. good question. maybe you could tell me? sigh..

you see, there's this girl.. friend's friend. now you must be thinking, "adrian's sucha player.. so many girls in such a short time.." but guess what? i aint playing. im just trying to make myself feel better from all the shit. anyways, this girl.. i just feel she's very far fetched for me.. yet sometimes i feel like it could work. maybe im just blinded by a fool's hope.. i can assure you, it aint love. not yet at least.. maybe it's just an obsession for love. i just hope she wont dislike me... i mean, it feels like our personalities clash.. she's realistic, im idealistic. and besides, i just got to know her.. now im just asking myself, is it worth risking again? is it worth trying it all again? what if i get hurt again? too much has happened in such a short time i just dont know if i can handle it. i dont wanna hurt anyone again..

"everything's done, but the fear remains"

i have a goal in life.. and that is to put hope in others who have lost it. it's to make ppl happy, and contented with life.. it's make life better for them, helping them believe that they can make it. but deep down inside, i havent found it myself.. i've been helping others, giving them things that i dont even know of. like what a good friend says.. im helping others get better, but what about myself? can i settle my own life before settling others'? it's a passion.. but this passion is tiring. tedious. i try so hard, deep down inside, i want to help. but i cant even help myself. yet, if i dont help now, i'd be mean.. sigh.. maybe ppl who make others happy are always deprived of happiness.
here's a song that i wrote that comes from my heart.. it's about finding hope in a world full of bad attitudes and selfishness.. here it goes...

find a way back.mp3 -

If i could take all of the pain, and all of the suffering that i have seen
Would you give hope to truth yet untold
Forgive all the agonies and all the lies
Oh, dont get upset, you'll find your way back

Is it enough to give all that cash
Your status in life are the assets you have
But deep down inside, you cant seem to find the light in the darkness
The life that you lack
Well, dont give up yet, you'll find your way back

And being your best is all that you're at
Pushing and shoving your way from the back
You dont give a damn 'bout anyone else
The people around you they feel so oppressed
But they dont make a sound, they're lost while you're found

The hustle and bustling life in the city
Has blinded our eyes from the forlorness wrecks
Oh is it fair? The world seems impaired
They no longer find any reason to care..

But if i could take all of the pain
And all of the suffering that i have seen
I wouldnt hold back, I'd give it all up
To make you believe you can hold up that smile
The world is a wreck, but we'll find our way back

Oh, the world is a wreck, but we'll find our way back..
We'll find our way back...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yeah.. something like that.

2008-03-23T22:27:00.004+08:00

woah for today! lol. had a great day with darling and her sis and friend. lol.. here goes...

went to amk to pick her up.. then went to pasir ris park again. lol. so 88ed there, then they wanted to cycle.. so they rented bikes. im broke, so had to go home and take bike. lol. chionged home then took my bike to the bikeshop to pump air.. guess what? the tyre punctured. drat! meaning gotta change the tube inside. costs $6.50! lol. so i called amos and asked to borrow his bike. lol. so he lent it to me.. then cycled to pasir ris park to join darling and her sis and friend. cycle here and there.. then eventually they returned their bikes.. so we sat at the breakwater, which is also called the rock rock thingy aka mountain aka rock mountain. hahaha. yeah, lame right? oh well... haha.
then watched her sis and friend play at the beach. haha. her sis very crap. haha. when it was time to go back, i couldnt send them back. cause of amos' bike. needed to send it back to him. :( sad. nevermind, like i said, there's still next time. :D cant wait for it.

i miss her already!! XD realise i left out details? haha. it's meant to be confidential.. XP anyways, tomorrow got sch already.. and im kinda shagged out now. tired le. i travelled the most lor! and was all for her. haha. better appreciate ah.. XD tests coming up this week.. gotta buck up already. can feel the pressure of O levels coming. haha. need to go study le. hehe shall ask for a study date soon. :D anyways gonna stop here for now. wanna sleep soon. haha. eyes closing already. XD

take care all!!! nights from a happy man!!! ;D

2008-03-23T00:09:00.002+08:00

have you ever wondered how many things happen in your family, and you didnt realise how it actually affected the lifestyle of it? throughout the day, random thoughts about my family kept creeping into my head. like the times when we would go out every weekend go tmart for lunch.. or the times during the weekends when we went to have zi cha near my old school, or those weekends when my dad would take us to pasir ris park to cycle and play.. how i miss those times.. i miss the times when we had good food outside together as a family, those drives to anywhere in singapore just to take a look at something. even if it's just a short drive, i realise how much i actually miss them.

living with my dad and stepmum has it's pros and cons.. my stepmum actually helps clean the house and keep it well. my maid doesnt do much except clean. when she packs my things can fly to somewhere else far far away. lol. despite that, i realise how much we were once a family when everyone wasnt too busy with life. i remembered i said this to my parents when i was younger.. i said that i'd just keep going out with them as long as there's food. i guess i went back on my promise cause i stopped going out after some time. maybe it's cause of this that my family is no longer how it used to be. i miss my mum. she was so much happier back then.. now she's just so stressed up with everything. i really dont know why all these has to happen, i just wish it would all go away.. but i cant turn back time. guess im only a kid, cant do anything to change the fact that my parents no longer love each other..

now life at home seems pointless. i'd rather spend the time at home alone. i dont enjoy anyone's company at home. everyone seems like a complete stranger to me. and when my dad's watching tv while my bro is using the com, i feel so lost. like there's nothing for me to do at home, there's no space for me at all.. the loneliness would just creep into me again.. then i'd emo the way i am now.. this isnt what i want.. but maybe i just gotta live with it? never thought that it would be so bad.. sometimes i feel i dont even have a family or a home.. like this family is just for the status, this home is just a house.. like they say, money can buy you sex but not love, money can buy you a house but not a home.. i feel like i dont have a home here.. it's just a house where i sleep, bathe, eat and use the media. nothing more than that. a home is a place of security, i dont feel secure here. the most secure places at home are my room and the toilet where no one is there to bug me.. maybe im a loner now.. or just a loner in this house.. no one really understands me.. but i guess it's cause i never opened up to them.. but im kinda too used to not opening up to them. they dont give me a sense of security, like i cannot trust them at all.. telling them stuff from my heart is pointless cause it seems like i gotta handle everything on my own even if i tell them.. so what's the use of letting them in on my heart?

i long to be spoonfed i guess.. once in awhile at least. security, love, TLC, emotional backing.. the things that i lack which is supposed to come from a family.. where's mine..?

or maybe im just thinking too much.. anyways, i shall stop emoing now i guess.. promised darling i'd stop emoing after i post this.. so i guess it's time to stop. :)

i love you girl...

2008-03-22T00:54:00.004+08:00

210308//210308//210308//210308 omgomgomgomgomomgomgomgomgomgomg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahaha. yes yes yes.. im attached. again. XP to a sweet girl. haha. if you've been keeping track of my recent posts.. which are like dated ages ago, you'll see a similar character who seems to keep popping out in my posts. yes.. it's her! haha.

okay let's blog about today.. what happened.. hmm... picked her up after lunch. i was late by 20 min. =x forgiven though. haha. then 88ed to pasir ris park. far from her place, so long bus ride. haha. she slept so fast la on the bus. piggy! >.<(cute one..) haha. then reached pasir ris park, walk walk, damn hot day, almost died of heat stroke. haha. okay not. but it was hot.. lol. then studied there for about an hour.. did my poa. haha. then walked around lor. found a new kayaking rental shop. from $8-14 per hour. hmm.. think i'll try them out soon. haha. miss kayaking. long time never did it already. then went back to the old spot where i used to eat nasi lemak after kayaking courses.. the nasi lemak store is no longer there.. :( it's a new vendor now. tried their chicken mushroom noodles. wasnt that bad. at least better than my dinner at home. =x great im hungry again!!! ROAR!!!! lol.. then from there 88ed back to amk, sent her home, then went home. on the way home.... hahaha. i popped the question. honestly i wanted to pop it just before she left, but looked so tired already, so decided not to. XP yeah, she said yes. hahaha. if not i wont be so hyped up now. i'd be like.. boohoo... self pity self pity.. boohoo. XP im such a whimp. >.< hahahahaha. anyways, back to the point, she said yes, im damn happy, so is she! the end. XD (wow.. what a main point..) hahaha.

going back chc for easter tomorrow. going with abel and his cg. just wanna go there and enjoy the drama, and just meet God again. it's been too long. i talked to Him this morning also.. or rather, just thanked Him for everything He gave. anyways, im tired.. i should get some rest aye? im putting my life back together again. piece by piece. the God piece, the girl piece, the band piece.. studies piece. now the only problem left.. money. haha. gotta settle it soon or i might go berserk.

i love you darling..!!! 210309 :D

XP that's all for now..! tata!!

2008-03-17T00:06:00.003+08:00

yes! ppl complain that my blog is rotting. so here comes another one of those boring posts.... NOT! XD alright, at least to me it isnt that boring... haha. it's about..... ME! >.< self-centered? haha.

here goes... im back with abel and gang. without josh though. cause of i dont really know what reason(s). nevermind. trying out sac, dont know if he'll stay. but gotta feeling he wont stay, at least for the post he's holding at the moment. according to abel, he needs to freestyle more.. like, flow with the band and not just follow tabs. it's kinda true if you really wanna jam well.. gotta be flexible, adaptable. just like in life.. like what i told manda a just yesterday when i bumped into her at tm.. whatever it is, even in a bad situation with your friends or whoever, if you really wanna resolve things, you gotta be flexible. dont just stick to your stubborn ways and die die also want it your way. unless of course your friends are the shitty ones. >.< okay not helping right. haha. nevermind. anyways, give and take is what you gotta adopt in this ever changing world. ppl change over time. their mindsets and their hearts. you gotta accept the fact. life still goes on even without certain ppl in your life.

watched the leap years with merv on sat. interesting show. touching. could have cried if i wanted to. lol. sweet show la. romantic and all.. not as bad as i thought it would be. haha. all about holding on to something that you know you cant live without. guess i really can apply that too huh. gotta hold on to someone special and never let Him go. decided to go back to church. but not chc. too many things i dont understand there. why the ppl seem to be head christians and not heart christians(as according to abel's phrasing). God is of heart and not of head. you cant love with your head. you only can love with your heart.

another thing that's going on in my life right now is... haha. a girl. remember how i said i had a crush on someone..? yeah, that's her. i want her. haha. straightforward ya? anyways, me and her seem rather close now. she probably likes me too.. >.<>.< haha. what else what else what else.. oh, she's really sweet you know.. like when i was emoing she would be there to like talk to me, cheer me up. never fails to bring a smile to my face. :D i just hope she continues to bring that smile to my face.. i dont wanna break another heart.

~past is past, we've gotta move on. hearts will turn and change, mindsets will warp and transform. but no matter what, memories will always be cherished, for it is them that moulds the future.~

time to go sleep! got school tomorrow! lol. take care all! nights!~

2008-03-01T00:49:00.002+08:00

29th of feb! leap year. lol. good thing my birthday didnt come 3 days later or i'd only be like.. 4? haha.
went to school today in the morning. had SS at 9.30am. guess what happened? i left the house late. so i thought sure very late le. so i was like, maybe i'll just pon SS and continue with the next lesson. then when i reached city hall, it was 9.30. so i thought maybe i can make it for 9.30. a lil late, not so bad. so i step into the classroom. i see no teacher.. i was like, wth...? lol. should have took my time. haha. anyways, class was as usual. this and that here and there.

pon-ed history at 4.30pm. kinda sian, couldnt stay in the classroom already. so i just zao class la.
after i reached home, i went out to meet nicole to study at ecp. yeah, we studied. for awhile. haha. she couldnt really study already anyways, so we just went for a walk. interesting talk we had. not the first of it's kind i've had, but yeah.. here are my thoughts for you nicole..

once a decision is made, it should be made final. no matter how tough it seems, life still has to go on. i know i let go of 2 relationships i think could still work out, but i let go. i regretted, but i told myself, i've decided to let go, i shouldnt look back. maybe it's the same also. always look forward to a better tomorrow. cause tomorrow may be a better day afterall.
so jia you k! dont give up! im here to support you! gogogo! and dont poke me along the way! XD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
life is full of mysteries.
ups and downs
but one thing i've learnt, and learnt hard
it's that no matter how f-ed up life gets
you still gotta keep going on
cause you've only got 1 life to live
so if you make a mistake, get up and walk again
dont waste your life away sulking on the past regrets
learn from them and keep moving
move as everything around you moves
dont stay stagnent, as the only constant in life is change...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cheers peeps~!

2008-02-26T23:39:00.002+08:00

what started out as just another day for me, turned out to be quite an interesting, eventful day. lol. made 2 new friends from school. wow right. haha. here goes...

first period, maths. was alright. algebra. carelessness kicked in a little. but overall, i think it was alright. after lunch, was english. by this time, i was already in a daze. and by the time i reached poa, i was already asleep. lol. my head was like, so pain and heavy la. i fell asleep while sitting up. haha. ms pauline didnt catch though. i think she knows i can do thats why. lol. then i wanted to go home and GE a bit, then sleep.

now this is where the events start happening.. met this 2 girls from the other class. they were like, heading to marina square. so i was like, where you 2 going(we were at the same bus stop, and they're from my history class.).. they were like, marina square, gonna collect pay. so i just tagged along(they invited me.) when we reached MS, they asked me how old i am. i was like, you guess la.. and they just guessed. 17, 19...nah.. 18. lol. i was like, ya. im 18 today. and they're like, are you serious?! lol. like some meteor hit sentosa and sentosa sank, and they just recieved the news. haha. anyways, they finally bought the story and... to my surprise, they actually spontaneously bought a cake for me, celebrated for me! haha. thank you sooooo much girls.. it really made my day. thought this year was gonna be another one of those years when nothing much really happens. lol. it was really spontaneous, so im really touched la. haha. new friends actually celebrated for me. haha. then we walked around for awhile. crapped with secret(one of them. XD) a lot. lol. baby wave. hahahahaha. then went to ikea at alexander. you all must be thinking, adrian, you siao ah? live in tampines go alexander for what? lol. i just went there for the company. lol. anyways, went there, crapped like mad ppl la. lol. breakout of IMH. so i was the little brother, secret was the little sister, and what was the mummy(who was the only one seriously looking at furniture. LOL) yeah. we acted damn stupidly. like little kids. haha. then play here play there. lol. ppl were staring at us and all. lol. even the ikea staff was kinda laughing at us. lol. that was how lame we were. lol.
anyways, after that we had meatballs there. nice! ^^ thanks secret for the treat. =D then went home. was obvious they felt guilty for dragging me all the way there. it's really alright girls.. i dont mind. im used to it. lol. and btw, the mrt is fast. haha. took me only 45 min to get home. not like it'll take hours. lol.

so on the way home.. i was thinking.. then i realised, i forgot all about someone important! ms lame idiot la! lol. like machiam bo hiu her when she sms me like that. sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry... i'll make it up to you tomorrow if you like. =D sorry k? tomorrow! wahahahahahaha~~~~ another day i think i should look forward to. haha. shall not disclose. lol. anyways, it's 6 min before *MY day ends. and the belated's start coming in. XD kidding. like so thick skinned. lol. great day.. my only regret was that i didnt make full use of the entire day to celebrate. lol. thanks anyways, all who wished me. appreciate it. ;)

special thanks to 2 ppl..
- Ching, you were the first person to wish me last night. although a little early, but you called in just to wish me. thank you so so much. if only you where here to celebrate with me, i think i might have enjoyed even more. miss the times we had, but change is the only constant in life!^^
- ms Lame Idiot, you were the 2nd person to wish me. you kept me company during the first few hours of the day when i was still trying to get to sleep. lol. you've been there to keep me company for the past few days. it's been a great pleasure to have you around. ^^
more thanks to 2 more ppl..
- Secret, you were the one who crapped with me today, cheered me up a lot. really. was a little emo today. lol. see ya tomorrow sister!
- What, haha, funny name. but you celebrated for me, im thankful. i thank God there're ppl like you around. ^^
finally, thank you 2OA for being my classmates, who wished me today(the few of you)
-Raymond who bought me lunch
-YS who's like a brother to me
-Huiyi who helped circulate that it's my birthday. XD
-Ms Joli for the drink! ^^
-everyone else, whether you wished me or not, whether you knew or not, thank you! ^^

that's all for today! it's already 12.03. haha. it's no longer my birthday! heeee....

2008-02-21T20:43:00.002+08:00

hmm.. need to trash things out now. yesterday i posted about a girl. yes i did. i still hold the same line i was at yesterday, i think i have a crush on her. today i met her. she's quite cute. if you know what i mean. XD but i feel like, maybe i havent exactly gotten over my ex. the breakup i had not too long ago. yet, i feel like i need a girl to be with me. maybe i've fallen in love with love? who knows. but i definately wouldnt mind someone to be with me now. i mean, i could use the attention man. lol. just wondering if it would be what i think it can be.

you can also say that im rather confused about how i feel. im not sure how i feel for this girl, im not sure how i feel for the matter of relationships. all i know is that there's something there right now, and i dont know if it's what im looking for at the moment. life just stinks when you dont know what the hell is going on. lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ms yvonne asked me to prepare a song for tomorrow's vocal dynamics audition. wonder what song should i sing. lol. i wanna sing something that is sud. lol. but that's just me. haha. or maybe i'll just ask her to shoot me with any english song that hopefully i know of and can sing. XD maybe she wouldnt mind. haha. and i think i can just like, sing in my own preferred key also, so that's a good thing. lol. transpose up or down, to suit my voc. lol.

talk about vocals. was poached by 2 bands. one's justin's band. gonna be helping them voc for a recording they wanna do in mar. 3 songs. hope i can make it. lol. scarly im not up to their standard then very sia suay. lol. another band's israel's introduction. asked me to sing punk rock songs. i dont think i can achieve punk rock standards. lol. im more of a soft rock,alt rock kinda guy. so.. sorry dude!

also, the upcoming of my band.. i dont know where it's heading. dont know if it's the right thing. but i definately want a band of my own. hmmm.. then again, another issue i have to face is stage fright/my panic attacks that cause me to vomit. lol. hmmm.. gotta go figure something out soon.

anyways, i just tried audi again. lol. it's not so bad if someone actually plays with you. lol. so maybe i'll just go in and play for awhile. kinda sleepy now. haha. oh well.. time to go! take care peeps!

2008-02-20T16:27:00.000+08:00

yes im blogging again! meaning i got some shyt to throw out! woot! lol.

anyways, i've thought it through, realised i needa break from all that. (if you're lost, read the first post.;)) or to put it crudely, i've given up. hmmm... dont start yapping or lecturing me. im just taking a break. but i dont know how long it'll be. and im gonna cut off totally for quite awhile.

on a lighter note, im getting another part time job to make ends meet. im shyt broke la can. no income whatsoever. unless i take from my ah ma, which makes me feel guilty, so i gotta work. recently keep getting insomnia, so i guess i'll just make full use of this insonmia to my advantage. ahha. work at night. XP shiok bo, airport coffee bean here i come! thanks syhameer for the lobang. came on time. lol. if not i think i'll kill myself already. lol. i need cash cash cash! money is goooooood~~~~! XP got stuff to buy la. i wanna try to shop and buy at least one piece of new clothing every month. haha. im ambitious. =p wahahahahaha. i also wanna invest in a new guitar. i wanna save money for some equip for my music. maybe get a keyboard as well? hehehhee. oh oh! PSP! woot. dangerous item. gets you addicted. but wth! i want it too! gotta work super hard though. haha. juggle work and O levels. hmm... i'll do my best. jia you adrian! XP bo bian ah, nobody support me financially also. haha.

another thing i gotta let out. it's a girl. yes! a girl. no longer the old girl. although i still feel guilty about it. sorry. :( but! i gotta move on aye? met this girl in friendster. shall not disclose name or whoever it is. only met a few days, so still too early to say anything. anyways, i might have hooked her. haha. who knows? hmmm. i think i got a slight crush on her. =x but it's kinda hard to get her to meet cause she's uber shy. nevermind, i'll get a chance. she already say next week. wahahahaha. but gotta plan my timings well man. certain lessons i need to pon just to see her. sigh. sacrifice. hopefully worth it. lol. just wonder the outcome of the meeting. lol. wonder how exactly she looks like in real life. she keeps saying she aint pretty. but i look at her pics and i find her cute. so how? =x haha. whatever it is, we shall see aye?

bored today! nothing to do! lol. she la, dont wanna meet today. sigh. XD kidding. haha. whatever! i saw my kittens fight just now. haha. or maybe just playing, interesting. that's how a catfight looks like. lol.

meow!

2008-02-11T15:41:00.001+08:00

~you're not alonethere is more to this i knowyou can make it outyou will live to tell..~-extracted from You're not alone by Saosin~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~everyone seems so happy. everyone seems like they've got a life to live.. where's my life?cny, ppl's angbaos so much money. the biggest amount i see in an angbao in my entire life that i can remember, is $40. wow right? broke again lor this feb. sianzzzzz i neeeeeeeed a joooooooob.yesterday during service, pastor talked about love relationships. the roles and responsibilities of a husband and a wife. i realised one thing, which i finally found out the reason.. that the relationship i had with her, the break up, was totally my fault. i wasnt reponsible in the relationship i was in with her. i wasnt a prophet, priest or king in the relationship. all i did was sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. i let her down. if you put all the happy memories me and her went through, even my let down is more overwhelming than the memories. forget it. im just reminicsing of the past again.i really need something to take my mind off this shit. maybe a date for val would be nice? :Dsadly, im kinda unwanted. dont know why also. sigh.. my friends in relationships seem so sweet together, what's more, they have each other to see in singapore. in the past relationship i didnt even get to see her. only 3 bloody times. damn. life sucks. some hot girl out there!! please want me~!!!!!! =x shit man.. im turning despo. urgh. whatever.out.

2008-02-04T22:25:00.000+08:00

once again, i've changed my link. i quitted blogging many times, and started many times also.this time, i really needed something for me to throw out all that's inside me, when i know there's no one i can really talk to about it.so here goes the first post..it's been awhile since i last felt God in my own qt. ppl keep reminding me to just hang on, just keep pressing in, but even so, even if i know pressing in is the right thing to do, it just gets so tiring. like, you just lose the heart to do it. before you do it, you tell yourself that"tonight is the night when i'd see God again." your heart is full of faith, but when you try, it just doesnt seem to work out the way you'd like it to. it's demoralising, day in day out, you get the same results, and you end up giving up. after not being close to God for so long, you just feel like you've backsliden and you dont wanna slide back. like you've totally fallen face flat and you're outta energy, outta faith to keep going.when i look at how God has been evident in others' dreams and in their lives, i think to myself, why is is that others are more blessed than i am, even though i do what they do too. i pray, i read the bible, i fast. but where's the breakthrough? just like what martin luther said,"i have a dream". well, so do i. i've got a dream, im sure everyone's got their own dream, whether they've discovered it or not. and my dream is to be a good musician, to entertain others, and to worship God with my music. i've always loved to entertain ppl with music. when i look at the work that God has done in others' lives, i think back and realise that God hasnt really used me to my best. and im beginning to wonder whether im really supposed to live this life, in this particular way.yes i feel hurt. i feel disappointed. i feel very empty and dry right now. i want to go back, but i cant find the courage to do so anymore. the fear is overwhelming and i dont know how to conquer it. i dare not talk to anyone cause i know what they're gonna say, i know that it wouldnt do any good. and the only thing that can really keep me going is to see God's face again. i know that's the thing that would help me, i know that if i see His face again, i'd be back on my feet again. but the thing is, i cant bring myself to even try to seek His face. after so many setbacks. it's tiring. im worn out. im literally giving up. if only there was someone there to encourage me with something fresh, something that would really melt my heart. and not the same old boring lectures, same old talks and same old ppl telling me the same old things. is there really such a person with such a word that would change my life? i really dont know.you know how it feels when you hear from others talking about how pastor compliments and says about how a certain person has great potential? it sounds good. but wait! how about yourself? i know everyone's got their own great potential. but every now and then you need someone up there to tell you that you're doing great, that you've got a great potential to do something. i dont think i've ever heard someone from up there telling me that im gonna do great things. yeah, peers have said it, but do peers know exactly? there's a different impact when different ppl say it. enough said, somehow i dont think this is helping. i dont think me ranting all over about this is gonna do any good about my situation. im lost. maybe i'll just try one more time to seek His face tonight. just once. if i dont see His face, i dont think i can carry on anymore..