Tuesday, December 23, 2008

somehow, i cant get to sleep. lots of things running through my mind. need to slowly pour it out.

recently went back to church (again). somehow i felt so at home.. honestly, the times i spent out of church makes me miss church dearly.. like, a home that i left. just like the prodigal son. you can say i took things for granted, or maybe i just didnt connect well enough. all i know is, it's not easy for me to say that i'll stay for sure this time. in fact, im bound to leave again. maybe it's the conviction that i lack. or the willingness to try again. one thing's for sure, no matter where i am, what im doing, whether im active in church or not, i always feel God inside of me, reminding me every once in awhile not to do stuff that i shouldnt do.
ever heard that little voice in your head telling you what's good for you and what's not? happens all the time. believe it or not, it's worth listening to.

i remember message that is commonly preached. saying that Jesus came to earth as a man. He suffered what man would suffer as well, and thus, He knows the pains that we go through.. when i heard that message, the first thing that struck me was, has Jesus ever felt guilty? i think that's one of my biggest pains that stops me from truly connecting back to God. wish i knew what to do with it. it really sucks you know.
nevertheless, i'll try..

seems like religion is starting to become a "trend" in my circle of friends. they've been going to pray at a temple in serangoon a lot. becoming devoted Buddhists. i've heard stories from their master at the temple as well. seems amazing, like, miracles that happen. he did some fortune telling as well, and it seems rather accurate.
not saying i believe in what they believe in, but this really makes me wonder.. why do each religion have their own miracles? the spiritual world seems so mysterious.. so many things that i dont understand at all. God is so great, miracles happen in His prescence.. this i believe and have experienced, but what about those other miraculous occurances that does not happen in His prescence? it's hard to express this in words, really. wish i could better describe what im trying to say, but i believe i've managed to express out what i really wanna say in the simplest and most shallow form.

i prayed a bit today.. was asking God, how i can honour His name on His birthday. despite me being so unstable and all in my spiritual life, i really do wanna honour His name on Christmas.. i felt Him tell me to put aside everything in my mind and heart on that day and just go to Him. every single guilt feeling or pain, all my past, just put it aside just for that day, so i can celebrate Christmas properly.. i guess that's something i really should do.. guess im too in to life now.

i seriously cannot wait to say these words on Christmas," happy birthday my Lord."
in about 2 days time, i can say it. really miss pouring it out to God. miss the times i spent in His prescence. a new chapter is beginning for me i guess. i dont think i'll remain a good boy though. i doubt the profanity is gonna stop so soon. neither would the cigarettes nor the lustful thought. but i know that i have to try. it's just too much to lose. i wanna go back to His glory once again...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

-Undo
-Rush of Fools
~Me ♪ at 03:55