Sunday, March 23, 2008

have you ever wondered how many things happen in your family, and you didnt realise how it actually affected the lifestyle of it? throughout the day, random thoughts about my family kept creeping into my head. like the times when we would go out every weekend go tmart for lunch.. or the times during the weekends when we went to have zi cha near my old school, or those weekends when my dad would take us to pasir ris park to cycle and play.. how i miss those times.. i miss the times when we had good food outside together as a family, those drives to anywhere in singapore just to take a look at something. even if it's just a short drive, i realise how much i actually miss them.

living with my dad and stepmum has it's pros and cons.. my stepmum actually helps clean the house and keep it well. my maid doesnt do much except clean. when she packs my things can fly to somewhere else far far away. lol. despite that, i realise how much we were once a family when everyone wasnt too busy with life. i remembered i said this to my parents when i was younger.. i said that i'd just keep going out with them as long as there's food. i guess i went back on my promise cause i stopped going out after some time. maybe it's cause of this that my family is no longer how it used to be. i miss my mum. she was so much happier back then.. now she's just so stressed up with everything. i really dont know why all these has to happen, i just wish it would all go away.. but i cant turn back time. guess im only a kid, cant do anything to change the fact that my parents no longer love each other..

now life at home seems pointless. i'd rather spend the time at home alone. i dont enjoy anyone's company at home. everyone seems like a complete stranger to me. and when my dad's watching tv while my bro is using the com, i feel so lost. like there's nothing for me to do at home, there's no space for me at all.. the loneliness would just creep into me again.. then i'd emo the way i am now.. this isnt what i want.. but maybe i just gotta live with it? never thought that it would be so bad.. sometimes i feel i dont even have a family or a home.. like this family is just for the status, this home is just a house.. like they say, money can buy you sex but not love, money can buy you a house but not a home.. i feel like i dont have a home here.. it's just a house where i sleep, bathe, eat and use the media. nothing more than that. a home is a place of security, i dont feel secure here. the most secure places at home are my room and the toilet where no one is there to bug me.. maybe im a loner now.. or just a loner in this house.. no one really understands me.. but i guess it's cause i never opened up to them.. but im kinda too used to not opening up to them. they dont give me a sense of security, like i cannot trust them at all.. telling them stuff from my heart is pointless cause it seems like i gotta handle everything on my own even if i tell them.. so what's the use of letting them in on my heart?

i long to be spoonfed i guess.. once in awhile at least. security, love, TLC, emotional backing.. the things that i lack which is supposed to come from a family.. where's mine..?

or maybe im just thinking too much.. anyways, i shall stop emoing now i guess.. promised darling i'd stop emoing after i post this.. so i guess it's time to stop. :)



i love you girl...
~Me ♪ at 00:09