Monday, February 04, 2008

once again, i've changed my link. i quitted blogging many times, and started many times also.this time, i really needed something for me to throw out all that's inside me, when i know there's no one i can really talk to about it.so here goes the first post..it's been awhile since i last felt God in my own qt. ppl keep reminding me to just hang on, just keep pressing in, but even so, even if i know pressing in is the right thing to do, it just gets so tiring. like, you just lose the heart to do it. before you do it, you tell yourself that"tonight is the night when i'd see God again." your heart is full of faith, but when you try, it just doesnt seem to work out the way you'd like it to. it's demoralising, day in day out, you get the same results, and you end up giving up. after not being close to God for so long, you just feel like you've backsliden and you dont wanna slide back. like you've totally fallen face flat and you're outta energy, outta faith to keep going.when i look at how God has been evident in others' dreams and in their lives, i think to myself, why is is that others are more blessed than i am, even though i do what they do too. i pray, i read the bible, i fast. but where's the breakthrough? just like what martin luther said,"i have a dream". well, so do i. i've got a dream, im sure everyone's got their own dream, whether they've discovered it or not. and my dream is to be a good musician, to entertain others, and to worship God with my music. i've always loved to entertain ppl with music. when i look at the work that God has done in others' lives, i think back and realise that God hasnt really used me to my best. and im beginning to wonder whether im really supposed to live this life, in this particular way.yes i feel hurt. i feel disappointed. i feel very empty and dry right now. i want to go back, but i cant find the courage to do so anymore. the fear is overwhelming and i dont know how to conquer it. i dare not talk to anyone cause i know what they're gonna say, i know that it wouldnt do any good. and the only thing that can really keep me going is to see God's face again. i know that's the thing that would help me, i know that if i see His face again, i'd be back on my feet again. but the thing is, i cant bring myself to even try to seek His face. after so many setbacks. it's tiring. im worn out. im literally giving up. if only there was someone there to encourage me with something fresh, something that would really melt my heart. and not the same old boring lectures, same old talks and same old ppl telling me the same old things. is there really such a person with such a word that would change my life? i really dont know.you know how it feels when you hear from others talking about how pastor compliments and says about how a certain person has great potential? it sounds good. but wait! how about yourself? i know everyone's got their own great potential. but every now and then you need someone up there to tell you that you're doing great, that you've got a great potential to do something. i dont think i've ever heard someone from up there telling me that im gonna do great things. yeah, peers have said it, but do peers know exactly? there's a different impact when different ppl say it. enough said, somehow i dont think this is helping. i dont think me ranting all over about this is gonna do any good about my situation. im lost. maybe i'll just try one more time to seek His face tonight. just once. if i dont see His face, i dont think i can carry on anymore..
~Me ♪ at 22:25